Justin Credible (Emcee): Before we begin the vows, does anyone here object to this union between Beth, Annie and the Appalachian Mountains?

Damon Cater tells why he objects to the marriage. And others can object.

Justin Credible: OK, we will proceed. We now bring forth Joseph Kramer. (A ceramic bowl made by an Ohio University student, an apple and two ceramic cups of water are brought forward on a table and placed in front of the brides.)

Joe: (Joe facilitates some breathing all together with everyone.) Let us remember the people that first breathed this Appalachian air and first lived here. Lets remember the thousands of generations that lived here before us. I have a tee shirt at home that says ‘I am not a lesbian, but my two wives are.’ Brides, please come forward. Welcome. What brings you to this gathering today?

Beth and Annie: We are here because we love the Appalachian Mountains.

Joe: Everyone, why are you here?

All: We are here because we love the Appalachian Mountains.

Joe: Tell us what you love about the Appalachian Mountains.

Beth: One of the things I love is that I was born in these mountains.

Annie: One of the things I love is the wonderful people and wonderful animals that live here.

Beth: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is her creeks and streams. (Brides drink some Appalachian water.)

Annie: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is that they make me feel beautiful, and spiritual.

Beth: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is her curves when she’s naked.

Annie: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is they offer me so many ecosexual delights.

Beth: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is the foods they produce for us to eat and heal.(Brides bite the mountain apple.)

Annie: One of the things I love about the Appalachian Mountains is that Beth’s family lives here. (Motions for family to please stand.)

Joe: Are you ready to make your vows?

Beth and Annie: YES! We are.

Joe: Do you promise to educate yourselves and others about environmental issues?

Beth and Annie: We do.

Joe: Do you promise to devote yourselves to making art about the Appalachian Mountains?

Beth and Annie: We do.

Joe: Do you promise to help nurture more love for the Earth and entice others to join the environmental movement by making it a little more sexy, fun, multicultural and diverse?

Beth and Annie: We do.

Joe: Do you promise to speak out, act up, and raise hell about mountain top removal?

Beth and Annie: We do!

Joe: Do you promise to support each other on this path with patience and kindness through thick and thin, in good times and bad?

Beth and Annie: We do!

Joe: (to audience) We invite you to take vows with us. If you hear a vow you feel you are ready to take say “I do.”
Do you promise to help defend, maintain and conserve mountain water and mountain air?

All: We do.

Joe: Do you promise to lower your electricity consumption in order to use less coal and help save the Appalachian Mountains?

All: We do.

Joe: Do you vow to love, honor and cherish the Appalachian Mountains until death brings you closer together forever?

All: We do!

RINGS

Joe: To remind you of these vows each day, you will have rings. May we have the rings please? (Chris brings rings and does his thing and offers the rings.)

Joe: We have rings for all of you, too. The ushers will pass out the rings. Take one if you like, as you process out to the reception.

PROCLAMATION and KISS

Joe: I now pronounce you married to the Appalachian mountains!!! You may now kiss the mountains. You may now kiss and hug the brides and the grooms!

Recession